The Comfort Catalyst
by OMhypothesis
Summary: After a catastrophe, Sheldon Cooper begins to realize what he's taken for granted. The story of an isolated man slowly discovering his humanity... with the help of a friend. Rated M for language and sex.
1. Chapter 1

****Hi! First of all, I want to say thanks for stopping by. This story kind of happened to me while I was blocking on another tale. To avoid any similar drama, I decided I would finish this in its entirety before posting, so it's already completed. I'll put it out in batches, about once a week, until it's done. Let me know what you like, what you hate, what you think in any capacity. As always, your responses are my manna.**

**I do not own The Big Bang Theory, nor do I have any claim on its characters. This is just a love song for a series I adore.****

This must have been the longest Friday of the year. Penny contemplated the date, wondering if daylight savings time had ever literally lengthened the amount of time in an hour. Her calves and the arches of her feet, not to mention her upper arms, had passed through soreness into a kind of sluggish ache. She parked her heap of a car at the end of the row and trudged wearily to the door of her apartment complex. She almost didn't notice the human bundle propped up against the dark wall of the lobby, but when she did her eyes rounded and she shrieked. Dr. Sheldon Cooper, sitting with his back against the wall, knees loose. Sheldon, a shocking bloom of bruises over his left eye socket and the bridge of his nose. Sheldon, with blood clotted heavily around his nostrils and lips. Her fatigue vanished, replaced with a sick rush of adrenalin through her sympathetic nervous system. "Oh my God, sweetie! Oh _baby_, what happened?!"

He stirred, peering at her through his good eye. The other one was too swollen to open. "Penny?" he coughed. She suppressed an overwhelming need to hyperventilate, instead crouching down and hooking her hands under his armpits. He gave a half-hearted jerk of protest at her touch before rallying himself. He got his feet under him slowly and used his legs to push, but she took a lot of his weight as she eased him up the wall. He took a moment to catch his breath. "I seem to have run afoul of the local ruffians," he answered her finally, his voice sardonic even in extremity.

"Can you make it up the stairs if I help you? Or is Leonard home? I can run and get him, but…" she cracked her fingers nervously, "… I hate to leave you here even for a second. Fuck!"

"I find your unnecessary use of profanity strangely apropos tonight," he commented drily, in-between gasps. "It restores a sense of normalcy. With your assistance I would like to attempt the stairs." He tried to push off of the wall but stumbled. She caught him by the arm, and he resigned himself to leaning against the undoubtedly microbe-infested sleeve of her wrinkled Cheesecake Factory jumper. Despite the fact that she gave him ample breathing room in-between flights, after two stories he was flagging badly. Squaring her sturdy shoulders, she braced her arms around his narrow waist and half-dragged, half-hauled him the rest of the way to his apartment door. He patted his pockets feebly and grimaced. "I'm afraid I have been divested of my keys," he said stiffly.

"Shit!" Penny cursed, carefully removing her arms from him. "I'll get mine." He placed his palms gingerly against the (filthy) wall and leaned, watching her fidget nervously. "Penny," he sighed reproachfully, and she snapped back into focus, scurrying toward her own domicile. He noticed that she did not close the door behind her, and that she kept shooting him glances through the frame as she rummaged through a cluttered drawer. Checking to make sure he didn't run away? As if he could.

At last she held up the key like a prize. She moved swiftly back to him. "Penny," he scolded. "You did not re-lock your apartment." She stifled an absurd burp of laughter, but retraced her steps and secured her door. She wouldn't fight with him tonight. Quickly she returned, side-stepped him and opened his lock. Then she looped her arm around him again and helped him to his customary spot on the couch. He leaned his head back against the leather, contemplating the myriad twinges and aches that currently disrupted his cognitive processes. He heard water running in the kitchen, cabinets opening and shutting. Penny had returned with an armful of his emergency medical supplies. A bowl of warm water. Peroxide. A kit containing sutures of which he seriously doubted she could make use. "I believe it is customary at this juncture to ask if the wounded party would like an ambulance, or perhaps some sort of law enforcement to be involved," he observed tiredly.

"I know you hate hospitals," she responded softly. "Although I think we _should_ call the police."

"How uncharacteristically observant of you. I am compelled to tell you that an influx of inquisitive strangers, in my present state, would likely result in a fit of hysterics, or what my mother would call the 'screaming meemies'."

"Would you recognize the people who did this to you?"

"I have an eidetic memory, Penny. Though I doubt they will return to be identified. As it has been 3.45 hours since their successful robbery of my person, I imagine they are well away."

She pulled in a slow sip of air, picturing him alone in this state for that amount of time. "The police can wait until tomorrow. We'll save your clothes in a plastic baggy."

"Another useful thought." His face was so frighteningly blank. She went to the fridge for a bottle of water, pressing it into his hands. He stared at it thoughtfully. "A remedy for shock. I'm _shocked_ you know that." He issued a breathy laugh at himself, but it carried an undertone of panic.

"Drink your water, sweetie." He sipped it obediently, surprised to find it calming. His eyes shifted to the motion of her hands as she unpacked butterfly bandages and cotton balls onto the coffee table. "I cannot recall when I last sanitized that table," he said absently.

"Don't worry. I'm going to pour a shit-ton of peroxide all over everything, so you're safe." She proceeded to do just that, soaking a double layer of gauze in disinfectant. She reached for his face. He flinched back. "Sweetheart. I'm not going to hurt you," she said patiently.

"You've hit me before," he responded calmly. Her mouth dropped open. "….What?" she managed weakly. He averted his eyes.

"Penny, I'm afraid my limited ability to interpret physical cues is severely compromised this evening. And my face and arms are quite painful."

"Sheldon, when have I _ever _hit you?"

"You frequently do so. When you feel angry or insulted, you often punch my bicep or slap my hand."

Her face scrunched up. "God, Sheldon!"

"I harbor no ill-will towards you, Penny," he offered, belatedly sensing her distress. "As you can see by tonight's events, I am quite used to being the object of physical aggression. I conjecture that this is an unfortunate side-effect of my genius, since the paradigm evolved in my youth and worsened as my mental abilities fully manifested. You, at least, have never drawn blood."

Her lips pressed together grimly. She wanted to explain to him that her (light!) punches and smacks were perfectly normal and acceptable, and that he should know better than to believe she would hurt him intentionally. She wanted to excuse herself, even get angry. But instead she forced herself to think. How else would a boy - a man - with suspiciously autistic tendencies, who grew up bullied and isolated from his peers under the care of a father she highly suspected was an abusive alcoholic, interpret her actions? Especially since she had a tendency to vent her frustration and anger with what she previously would have called "love taps." Her eyes stung. _Shit. _ "I'm sorry, Sheldon," she said instead. "I didn't mean to do that. I won't ever do it again."

"Considering the contexts under which they arose, I believe your actions to be reflexive. It is foolhardy to speak in absolutes when you presumably do not have complete control over your responses to negative emotional stimuli." She sorted through this, and understood that he thought she couldn't help herself. This irritated but also shamed her, as she realized her "responses" had become a nasty habit.

"Well then," she said, thinking quickly, "if I mess up and accidentally… lash out, I'll fix it." He raised an eyebrow at her. "I could sing you Soft Kitty. Or I could kiss it better. I could take a strike, and say I'm sorry." She was running out of potential fixes. "You could hit me back. Or I could… tie my hands! Everyone would see. That way I would be way more embarrassed than you."

"Tie your hands?" he squeaked, shocked. "_Hit you back_? Good Lord, Penny. I could never." She wrung her hands. "Well, what do you suggest, then?" she pleaded.

He squirmed, clearly uncomfortable. "It is unnecessary. As I have said, I harbor you no ill-will."

"It's _completely_ necessary! I can't believe I hurt you. I feel terrible!"

"I… it was not my intention to upset you. I merely wanted to explain my reaction, so you would not be offended by my aversion to contact." She struggled to smooth her facial expression before she looked at him again.

"I'm _not _offended. But I need to make things right between us. Tell me what to do."

He sighed, meeting her eyes reluctantly. "Of the options… I suppose 'kissing it better' would make the most sense, given that it is mildly embarrassing for the kisser but implies an intent of comfort and affection. However, it would not work. You know my feelings on unnecessary germ exchange." They both sat in silence for a moment, pondering. "Maybe I have an idea about that," Penny ventured slowly. "Could we try it?"

He let his head thump back against the couch. "if I say yes, can we terminate this nightmarish conversation and let me sleep?" He caught her quick nod out of the corner of his eye, and splayed his hands palm up on his knees in a gesture of surrender. "_Fine_. Proceed."

"Um. Okay. Well, where did I… hit you, the first time?" She didn't ask him if he remembered. She knew he did. One hand lifted from his knee and gingerly touched the outside of the arm nearest her. "I'll be right back," she whispered.

He lifted his head to watch her, curious in spite of himself. When she came back she was holding a roll of paper towels. She tore one off and placed it against his arm, over his sleeve. Then, before he could jerk away, she leaned in and pressed a kiss against the paper. "I'm sorry," she murmured, and he felt the warmth of her words through the protective layers she had placed over his skin. His breath caught in his throat. He looked away from her again.

"You've hit me there a total of fourteen times during the course of our association," he stated, a little hoarsely. Slowly she pressed her mouth against the paper towel again. "Sorry," she whispered. Another kiss. "Sorry." Another. "So sorry." He could almost hear her counting them out in her head. It occurred to him that _he _would not have to count. The realization that she would expend herself to do so for the sole purpose of soothing him struck him quite hard, filling his chest with a sharp, bittersweet emotion he couldn't define. She got to fourteen and stopped, waiting. He lifted a shaking left hand and touched the back of his right. "You slapped me here, three times." She took the 'contaminated' paper towel and set it carefully on the coffee table, far from the medical supplies, instinctively realizing that tidiness would move him. She tore off a new sheet, folded it in two, and wrapped it around his hand before lifting it to her lips. She kissed him and a tear fell from her cheek onto the paper. She froze, waiting for the flinch. It didn't come. "Sheldon," she began faintly.

He gently took his hand out of hers and placed it on his knee, paper towel intact. "I don't want to talk about this anymore," he said foggily. "I would prefer to take a shower and put on my Friday pajamas. Thank you for assisting me with the stairs." Jerkily, and acutely feeling the twinges in his hips and ribs, he stood and moved towards the bathroom. She recognized dismissal when she saw it, and left without a sound.

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He had a little trouble removing his pants and shirt, and a lot of trouble unlacing his shoes. He had to perch on the toilet seat, panting through the pain, before he could lean down far enough to yank the laces. With a final effort he kicked off his socks and stood to twist the handle on the shower all the way to hot. For the first time in his adult life he left his clothes on the tile where they lay.

He stepped into the scalding shower and let the water burn savagely over his wounds. He extended a hand through the curtain to pluck a clean washcloth from the shelf and applied antibacterial gel. He scrubbed his skin until half-clotted cuts broke and bled anew. He shampooed and washed his hair over and over until his hair squeaked brittlely against his fingers. As he waited the recommended 120 seconds for his conditioner to "set," he could not stop a wash of emotion from coursing through him. He shut off the water and stepped out of the shower. He dried himself with a clean towel. He urinated, but could not evacuate his bowels. His carefully controlled existence was broken like a concrete dam after a catastrophic flood.

He sat on the mattress in his bedroom and painstakingly put on his pajamas. He did up the buttons one by one. He retrieved long grilling tongs from the kitchen and used them to pick up his soiled clothing from the bathroom floor. He placed the items in two large Ziploc bags and sealed them in. He limped out to the living room and called the police. He used the remaining ten minutes prior to their arrival to clean and bandage his face in the still-steamy bathroom mirror. Leonard arrived home at 10:24 PM. When Leonard saw him finishing his statement to two uniformed detectives, he shouted in surprise and dismay. Sheldon made sure the detectives knew the proper protocol for pursuing violent crimes, handed them the baggies containing his clothing and shoes (evidence), then thanked them for their time when they rose to leave. He did not shake their hands. Leonard came to him, speaking rapidly and emotionally, but Sheldon was not able to focus fully on what the other man was saying.

"Why are you… and they… never called me, why didn't… Good God!" Leonard expostulated.

"There, there," said Sheldon absently.

"Look like… who could have… fucking huge black eye and… catch them yet?!"

"I should call the bank," Sheldon interjected.

"The bank!?" Leonard cried. Sheldon gave him a patronizing look.

"Of course, Leonard. Those blackguards have my wallet. I will need to report my bank card stolen if I am to recover any lost funds." Sheldon tapped the armrest of his sofa pensively. "I shall need to replace my permit and university ID as well. Bother." Leonard made a noise similar to the sound of a man being strangled, if the noise of a man being strangled was something _Star Wars: A New Hope_ portrayed accurately. "I'll call the bank," said Leonard finally, clearing his throat.

"Thank you, that is very thoughtful. I am quite tired."

"Oh, Sheldon." Leonard moved towards him, extending his arms. Sheldon shrank back against the couch. "Nnnnn!" he whimpered. Leonard dropped his arms and lowered his head.

"Okay, Sheldon. All right." He crossed the room and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. He glanced back at the couch, where his battered roommate was still gripping the leather couch in speechless panic. "If you need me, I'm here, you know?"

At last Leonard went to his own bedroom, and Sheldon was able to bury his face in his hands.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Penny shucked her uniform and threw it angrily against the wall. Her shoes followed with two satisfying thumps. Her shower was furious, fast, and hot. She left her wet hair tangled and unbrushed, threw on a thin robe, and strode to the refrigerator, yanking out a bottle of twist-top wine. She swigged from the bottle and choked immediately, gasping and coughing, and all at once she was crying. Ugly, snot-nosed, blotchy eyed crying that sent her wobbling for the couch and the nearest Kleenex box. She blew her nose noisily and folded her arms against her chest to keep out a sudden chill.

She turned on Sheldon's extra DVD copy of _Star Trek: TOS_. His non-extra copy was still in cellophane, lovingly encased in a glass-covered shelf in his room. She sniffled and laid her head down on a couch pillow. She tried not to think of blood. She dozed, and twitched fitfully in her dreams.

Knock, knock, knock.

"Penny!"

Knock, knock, knock.

"Penny?!"

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

"PENNY!"

She was up and moving before she was fully awake. "Sheldon?" she said, quickly swiping at her eyes to dislodge any crusted tears.

"How did you know it was me?" he demanded furiously as she opened the door. "I could be a robber! I could be a rapist, or an axe murderer!" The tops of his ears were burning red. She searched her shell-shocked mind for an answer he would accept.

"I… recognized the frequency of your voice?" she responded hesitantly. He glared at her, and huffed. She tried to meet his eyes. She tried to read the situation fairly.

"You pushed me here!" he barked suddenly, slapping his chest with the flat of his right palm. "You called me a jerk and you_ pushed_ me!" She let her mouth open and close, completely bewildered. Incensed, he reached toward her with his other hand, and she realized with a start that he was shoving a roll of paper towels into her arms. Comprehension dawned. She grabbed handful of pajama sleeve and tugged him into her living room. She ripped off a paper towel and smoothed it over his heart. She pressed her lips, then her cheek against the paper, and his arms fell limply to his side. "I'm sorry I hurt you," she said into his chest. "_I'm sorry._" She felt his breath hitch.

"Everything hurts, Penny," he said into her hair. It was a little boy's voice, full of tears. "I'm sorry," she repeated, shifting so that her lips touched the paper towel again.

"I was so scared," he whispered. She tentatively raised her fingers to brush the buttons of his collar. "It's okay," she said, her voice muffled against him. His nose nuzzled against the top of her head.

"I don't want to be alone," he said, very faintly. She felt her heart constrict. She reached down into herself, fighting to bring up the right response. She leaned her whole body against him, separated only by clothing and cellulose. "Not while I'm around," she said at last.

His arms came up around her then, clutching her to him so hard the air was pushed from her lungs. He wept into her half-dried hair like a child. She skated her hands gently up his bruised body until she held him whole. When she felt his legs giving out she helped him to the couch. She put a pillow on her thighs and pulled him down until his head rested in her lap. She turned the DVD back on and ran her fingers through his hair, up and down his neck, across his shoulders. He wrapped his thin arms around her knees and lower back and gripped her like a lifeline, his hold relentless even in sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

****Everyone! Thank you for the lovely feedback. A few readers pointed out that waiting a week in-between updates is disruptive, so I'll be posting more frequently. Tell me you love me!****

He was gone when she awoke, her DVD player reading 8:47 AM. She had left the time and date blinking on the blasted thing, but sometime during the night Sheldon must have noticed it and been compelled to fix it. She knew he typically woke up at some ungodly hour. As for her, falling asleep in a sitting position on the couch had given her a monstrous crick-in-the-neck. She winced and gingerly turned her head, trying to stretch the muscles. She was still out of coffee. Damn.

She adjusted her robe, which had fallen open and was dangerously close to scandalous. She pulled on a pair of pajama pants with little Minnie Mouses all over them. She started across the hall. She could hear shouting. Feeling a bit like Mrs. Kravitz, she put her ear to the door.

"You have to go to the hospital, Sheldon! You're covered in bruises!"

"I do not _have_ to do anything. Hospitals are hotbeds of infection and disease. I fail to see how my condition would be improved were I to contract a deadly upper respiratory infection."

"Well, you've almost certainly got some upper respiratory broken bones!" At this point, Leonard apparently took a moment to indulge in some deep breaths, after which his tone was more reasonable. "What if your ribs are leaking marrow, Sheldon? What if you develop some sort of clot? Don't you think we'd better get an MRI or some X-rays at least?"

"No!"

Penny pulled away and went back to her apartment. She opened her laptop and did a Google search for Dr. Stephanie Barnett, and then for Fremont Memorial Hospital. A few clicks yielded an information number, which she called. Sorting through the dial menu took a few minutes. Finally someone transferred her to the appropriate surgical unit, and she asked if Dr. Barnett was available. She told the operator that a friend of the doctor's needed her. Yes, it was an emergency. Yes, she would hold. The line picked up in about 45 seconds. "Who is this?" Stephanie asked curtly. Penny sorted through what she planned to say. "Hello?"

"Yes, um, Dr. Barnett. I don't know if you remember me, my name is Penny and I live across the hall from Dr. Hofstadter and Dr. Cooper?" She rushed through before Stephanie could reply. "Anyways, Sheldon got mugged last night, and now he's kind of… freaking out. He won't go to the hospital. I know you probably can't come, but do you know anyone who could like… see him, and maybe check for broken bones, but has a private practice?"

"I… uh… goodness. Doesn't he have a primary care physician for this?"

"I don't think so. He kind of… really hates going to the doctor. But he trusts you, and I think if I told him you recommended someone he might go." Penny waited, holding her breath and feeling a little more stupid than usual.

"Forget it. I can be there in an hour."

"Oh my god, that's… I mean, you don't have to…"

"I said forget it. I have to go, I've got a follow-up to complete."

"Thank you so much! I…"

"Thanks for calling, Penny. Bye." Stephanie had hung up. Penny let out her breath slowly. Then she went back across the hall. They were still yelling at each other. She knocked on the door, and heard a scuffling sound before Leonard answered. "Penny?" he asked, immediately blushing when he realized how loud they were being. "Sorry. I, um. Now's not the best time."

"It's cool, Leonard. I wanted to talk to both of you real quick." She pushed past and snuck a peek at Sheldon. "Listen, Dr. Stephanie's gonna come over in about an hour. Is that okay?"

Sheldon's eyes got round. "Dr. Stephanie?"

"Yeah. When she heard you weren't feeling well she wanted to check in on you. I hope you don't mind." Leonard returned from the doorway and collapsed on his stuffed chair, looking utterly drained. Sheldon fluttered his fingers on the armrest of the couch.

"I don't mind at all. This development neatly solves my current predicament. Thank you, Penny."

"Seriously, _thank you_," echoed Leonard fervently. "You are _brilliant_."

"Penny is hardly brilliant," Sheldon scoffed. "Although I will say she demonstrates a remarkable ability to remain practical under fire."

"Thanks, I guess?" Penny was pretty sure she had just been insulted, but the rare compliment afterwards seemed more important.

"You are welcome. Also, you are up early. Have you run out of coffee again?" She nodded, although technically she could say she hadn't run out _again_. She just hadn't had enough funds to go to the store since last time. "Very well. Sit down, Penny. Leonard, go and make Penny some coffee." Penny perched on the end of the couch, but Sheldon glared at her, so she slid over closer to him. Leonard gaped at them for a moment, then seemed to resign himself to a seriously fucked up morning and trundled off to start the coffee machine. While Leonard and Penny watched the news on mute and drank their coffee, Sheldon doodled mind-numbing amounts of math into a notebook and drank his juice. At 10:01 AM there was a knock on the door and Leonard rose to welcome in Dr. Stephanie. Penny stood and hugged her.

"Thank you so much," Penny said softly. Stephanie waved her off, blushing. Damn, Dr. Stephanie was looking good. Penny smirked to herself, since this last fact was clearly not lost on the estimable Dr. Hofstadter. A modicum of nervous chit-chat and offers of beverages ensued until Sheldon cleared his throat irritably. "Okay," Stephanie announced. "Everyone who's not a patient, scram!" Leonard quickly went into his bedroom, but Stephanie noted Sheldon's eyes following Penny to the door with something akin to panic, so she changed tactics. "Actually, Penny, sit over there. I may need your help in a bit, kay?" The tension in the room dropped dramatically when Penny took a chair.

"All right, Sheldon. We'll need to remove your shirt so I can assess your injuries." Stephanie knew better than to try and assist him, so she waited patiently as he undid his buttons and pulled the white t-shirt underneath awkwardly over his head. Right away a number of contusions over his ribs and shoulders were evident. Penny knew she had to be quiet, so she placed her hands over her mouth as Stephanie put a stethoscope against Sheldon's chest. "Breathe in," Stephanie said, listening intently. "Okay."

"Penny," said Sheldon. "You may release the stream of profanity you are attempting to suppress, if you wish." Penny took her hands away from her mouth. "_Motherfucking son-of-a-bitchin' rakkin' frakkin' FUCK_!" she said promptly. Stephanie dissolved into giggles, and Sheldon managed a breathy but painful laugh. "That was very helpful, thank you." A pause. "Bazinga."

He flinched as Stephanie ran a clinical hand over his ribcage, but otherwise complied with the rest of the examination, complete with pictures. Afterwards Stephanie and Leonard stood by the door discussing things quietly and Sheldon struggled to put his clothes back on. Penny moved back to the spot beside him. "Need help?" she offered.

"Help would be appreciated," he bit out after a moment. She gently rearranged his t-shirt and helped him thread his arms through the sleeves. She did the same for the pajama top, and when he made no move to stop her, began buttoning him in. The room had gone quiet in the meantime, and she blushed when she noticed the other two doctors staring at her. Embarrassed, she gave a final straightening twitch to the cloth and announced, "All done!"

"I was just explaining to Leonard that you'll need to go to ortho for the broken ribs and sprained wrist. I've given him a prescription for some pain medication as well. If you like I can check back in a few weeks to see your progress."

"Should I call in so I can take you to the doctor?" Penny whispered to Sheldon hesitantly. His voice was equally soft as he replied. "Penny. If you cannot afford coffee, you can hardly afford to miss work. Besides, Leonard's vehicle is better maintained, and I do not wish to incur any additional injuries. Please do not concern yourself." She breathed a sigh of relief, but it was a little sad just the same. He patted her hand swiftly. "There, there."

"You want me to come see you when I get off?" He flashed her a strange, shy look. "That would be… agreeable. As long as you are not too tired."

"Okay. See you later, sweetie." She exited the apartment, followed shortly by Dr. Stephanie (who had lingered to say a sweet goodbye to Leonard). As the door shut behind them, Leonard placed his hands on his hips and stretched pleasurably. "Man," he said, "Penny sure is a good friend."

Sheldon's eyes darkened perceptibly. "Yes," he said.

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She got home late. By the time she showered and changed into sweats, she could hear shouting from across the hall again. She made her way over, stifling a grin, and opened the door just as a collectible Tribble plush came hurtling at her head. "Whoa! What's happening here?" she said as she ducked.

"Leonard… he… CALLED MY MOTHER!" Sheldon bellowed, scrabbling for ammunition.

"Good thing that brace throws his aim off," Leonard offered sheepishly.

"WHY DID YOU CALL MY MOTHER?!"

"She deserved to know! Besides, if I keep something like this from her she'll never take my side in a Roommate Disagreement again."

"Aaaarg!"

"He's unusually articulate today." This last comment made Penny giggle helplessly, earning her a patented Sheldor glare. Leonard shoved a bottle of painkillers in her hand. "I can't get him to take them, will you try?" She went to the kitchen to find two clean cups - one for a pill, one for Mountain Dew, and made her way back to the sofa before Sheldon had a chance to launch another doll at Leonard. "I brought your medicine, sweetie," she said soothingly.

"No! It's probably poison," Sheldon said sulkily, eyes on his roommate.

"Honey, let's consider this logically." His eyebrows shot up at her. "If Leonard were going to poison you, why would he call your mother? She would have a very scary reaction to someone poisoning her baby."

"True." He eyed the soda and the pill morosely. "Maybe he wants to poison her, too?"

"Stephanie's coming back in two weeks. She'd definitely notice a lack of Sheldon."

"Yes, and Leonard wishes to engage in coitus with Dr. Stephanie, so he will most likely delay the satisfaction of his homicidal urges until that goal has been achieved." Sheldon sighed and took the cups from her hands. "You are shockingly deductive this evening, Penny."

"Thanks, MoonPie." Sheldon spluttered through a mouthful of Mountain Dew. "Only MeeMaw - !" She threw her head back and laughed. He subsided, grumbling and patting himself with napkins.

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Raj and Howard sauntered in at 9:30 PM, complaining before they even cleared the door. "At what point were you going to tell us that paintball was off?" Raj whined. "The English department kicked our hinie-eeeep!" He had caught a glimpse of golden blond hair. Even Howard coasted to a stop. "What the frak?" Howard managed shakily.

"Shhh!" Leonard insisted, following their eyes to the couch. Where Penny lounged with her head back, snoring softly, and Sheldon had managed to wrap himself like an exceptionally large spider-monkey around her body. "We gave him some pain pills," Leonard whispered. "He's a little…"

"DANGER!" Sheldon screamed, shooting up in his seat. Penny shrieked and grabbed at him, an action that in a normal universe would have induced a nuclear melt-down but in this new Bizarro World seemed to cause him to curl back into her with a sigh, laying his head on her chest. The other three boys studied the scene for a long moment. Howard took initiative. "If I took pain pills, would I get to do that too?" he asked seriously.

"Go to hell, creep," Penny responded with her eyes closed. Sheldon shifted, his nose tickling her. "I want cashew chicken," he mumbled sleepily. "That sounds good," Penny yawned. Leonard hustled to find the phone, looking like a hunted man. Raj whispered desperately in Howard's ear.

"Dude, I agree. A drink would be awesome right now." They arranged themselves carefully while Leonard placed the take-out order. _Doctor Who_ appeared to be playing on a loop. Pretty soon someone was going to announce that Batman was running for mayor. "We tried calling you and Sheldon when you didn't show up," Howard said quietly. "No one answered, so we didn't know what to think."

"Yeah, Sheldon's cell got stolen in the mugging. And mine kind of ran out of battery… we've been all over town today and I forgot the car charger." Leonard continued filling them in, all three of them sneaking glances at the mad genius currently occupying Penny's lap. He looked rough, which was not a typical Sheldon Cooper state of being. "Well, I'd better go pick up the food." _Beer_, mouthed Raj, and Howard nodded fervently. Leonard laughed a little and flashed them a thumbs up.

Sheldon stirred. "Penny," he said. She felt his fingers on her stomach. _Tap, tap, tap._ "Penny." _Tap tap tap_. "Penny." She laughed, and the flexing of her diaphragm under his hand startled him. "What time is it?" She checked her watch. "Almost ten, sweetie."

"Good Lord! And we haven't started our laundry?!"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Laundry-Gate 2011 had been narrowly averted by Penny, who was rapidly shaping up to be the world's foremost expert on Chilling Cooper The Frak Out. The boys watched in fear and admiration as she calmly explained to Sheldon that he had agreed to give her a special laundry lesson tomorrow, complete with Foldy-Thingy tutorials, and had therefore temporarily placed Laundry Night on hiatus. Sheldon apparently accepted this explanation without question. He promptly changed his focus to why the chicken in his dinner was diced and not shredded. Everyone but Leonard breathed a sigh of relief.

They put on _Alien_ and drank beer and tried to ignore the fact that drugged-up Sheldon was a snuggler. Only with Penny, mind you. If anyone else tried to touch him his evasive reflexes were as sharp as ever. She gasped when the alien popped out of Kane's chest, and Sheldon put a comforting hand on her leg, which everyone else considered WAY more frightening. His thumb continued to draw little circles on her kneecap. She didn't seem to mind.

Raj lost it first. "I don't understand what's happening!" he wailed, waving his beer bottle.

"Warrant Officer Ripley has engaged the ship's self-destruct sequence and is now attempting to board the escape pod with the crew's feline, however the alien lifeform is preventing her access," Sheldon explained helpfully. "Incidentally Ridley Scott's use of dramatic lighting in this and subsequent scenes is theorized to produce a noteworthy sense of dread and horror unparalleled by films which portray their so-called 'monsters' more directly." Penny pinched him. He stopped talking.

"Yeah, that's totally what Raj was asking about," muttered Howard. As Sigourney Weaver blasted the alien off the shuttle and settled herself into stasis with the cat, Howard rose and brushed off his pants. "Well, I've had an incredibly long day of having my ass kicked, so I'm going to head on home. Raj?" The Indian man followed his friend out the door, shooting bewildered glances behind him.

"Blech," said Sheldon. "I need a shower." Penny was suspicious. "Why are you looking at me?" she demanded.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

****I have a confession. Howard is my fave. He is such a dirty little perv. If he were my buddy I would laugh and laugh forever.****


	3. Chapter 3

****Haha, you guys are hilarious. In the interest of full disclosure, I stole the Soul Caliber thing from Mike Krahulik and Jerry Holkins, and I'm NOT GONNA STOP. I will boggart their awesomeness forever.****

"I don't want Leonard to help me in the shower!" Sheldon had insisted. "Leonard is unsanitary and barbaric! Also he is demonstrably unable to provide proper assistance when I am sick or injured!" Which is how Penny and Sheldon both ended up in bathing suits while she helped him wash his hair. She kept her eyes studiously away from his naked chest and shoulders, despite or perhaps because of the fact that his pale, ascetic body was strangely beautiful under the bruises. Leonard found himself hoping the water would be cold by the time he got to take his own shower, because the sight of Penny in a black one-piece was… well. She had really nice legs. And the way the skin over her throat and bosom flushed when she was totally pissed off… Not that Sheldon would notice. He would be completely oblivious to his own luck, the sanctimonious bastard.

All conjecture to the contrary, Sheldon found himself leaning in to his neighbor's touch. Her fingers felt very soothing in his hair, and she applied a satisfactory amount of pressure to his arms and shoulders with the washcloth. Her thumb absently rubbed a tense spot in his neck that made him stifle a groan. When she exited the shower to allow him to complete his ablutions, he watched her form through the curtain curiously. Stretching up to the shelf for a towel. Rubbing her body down briskly before reaching up to twist the terry cloth around her hair. Shrugging on one of his clean robes over her wet suit with a little shiver. All her movements were smooth, supple, cat-like. He finished bathing quickly, unwilling to dwell on his current thoughts.

He wrapped a towel around his waist and, after considering the circumstances, determined that it was not inappropriate to exit the bathroom thusly covered. Penny had just seen him in a similar state of undress and was unlikely to be offended. He made his way to his bedroom and sat on the mattress, pulling the pajamas he had laid out for the night close to him. He worked his way carefully into the pants and tied them. Then he carried the shirt out and handed it to Penny. First she wrapped his ribs and chest tightly in the support garment the orthopedic surgeon had provided. Then she helped him pull his arms through the sleeves of his shirt. She allowed him to button it himself, which caused him an illogical pang of disappointment, then she helped him put the brace on his wrist. As she snapped the velcro into place, he took her hand gently. "Penny," he said. "I want you to know I am very grateful for all your assistance this weekend. I know I am not… the easiest man to deal with."

She surprised him by blushing. "It's cool, Sheldon. I mean, what are friends for, right?"

"A kind sentiment. Allow me to return one. If you ever need my aid - not that I would wish you to - but should circumstance arise… you will have it, unconditionally." He let his eyes fall to her feet, his throat inexplicably raw. She patted his cheek and smiled.

"I know, sweetie. Get some rest."

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Instead of sleeping on his back, a position considered optimal for spine health, Sheldon curled up on his side and pulled a pillow to his chest. A position commonly referred to as the "fetal position." He mused briefly, and decided there was an irrational but real sort of comfort in the false contact of the pillow. It reminded him of his childhood, when Missy would creep into his bed during thunderstorms and use him as a de facto hot water bottle. The disruption in routine and the unwelcome influx of germs had irritated him but he was forced to admit it was almost reassuring to have company during an unpleasant natural phenomenon. That, and he would do anything for Missy. Even tolerate superfluous touching.

The events of the weekend disturbed and perplexed him. Aside from the obvious trauma of the attack, he found himself appreciating, even welcoming contact with Penny. Her odd pantomime of "kissing it better" had set something at ease in him, something he was beginning to suspect had been wound too tight for too long. He felt very strange and unsettlingly human.

He held an image of her in his mind, an amalgamation of mnemonic snapshots. Her form was pleasing. Her musculature, while not necessarily noteworthy, was certainly elegant. She had strong shoulders and hands. Her legs were slim but toned. He disapproved of her sunbathing as it increased her risk of developing melanoma, but recognized that the resultant glow had a certain aesthetic he found enjoyable. Her body fat rested healthily on her frame, creating a gentle hourglass figure deemed attractive when applied to the female form. Here he was in accord with the masses; her body was beautiful to him. As were her eyes, the symmetrical bones of her face, the way the light broke and refracted off her hair.

She was hygienic, if woefully disorganized in other aspects. Her teeth were even and white. Her nails were clean and trimmed, often adorned with whimsical polishes. She insisted she had "man feet," but her feet were not overly hirsute nor were they unkempt. After a lecture on plantar fasciitis from him, she had invested some of her "shoe money" in arch support, so the structure of her feet was properly maintained. Next to his long, bony toes, her feet looked small and delicate.

Although he had inadvertently scolded her in the past for her sexual exploits, he privately saw something admirable, almost fearless, in her continued pursuit of romantic compatibility. He recognized there was an emotional component to her relationships that left her vulnerable when they failed, but she seemed to take it in stride, overcoming her disappointment and moving on to the next phase of her experiment. He himself would not be able to recover so quickly or successfully. In fact when he reached a plateau during his own research, he had difficulty getting past a sense of failure and frustration, even fear. Apart from her occasional overuse of alcohol, Penny appeared to push through her struggles with men and career gracefully. With continued application, he had no doubt she would achieve the equilibrium she sought.

He wondered... he wondered...

He deliberately ended this train of thought, pulling the pillow more deeply into his chest. A successful REM cycle would put things back into perspective.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Sunday was always busy at the Factory, and she felt run off her feet… although they had let her man the bar for a couple of hours tonight, and the tips jingling in her pocket were a much needed padding. She had been trying harder lately. Ever since that time she'd borrowed money from Sheldon, she'd put a little extra thought into her expenses. Her shoe collection was suffering but her cortisol levels were not. It was nice to know she had a little space between paying rent and a week of ramen.

It was too late to head over for mee krob with the boys (or was it spaghetti night?), so she went to her own place. Flicking on the light, she noticed her apartment was in dire need of a cleaning, so she took off her shoes and spent a good hour picking up and vacuuming the rug. Her laundry basket was full by the time she was done, so she took a quick shower, changed into yoga pants, and hefted the basket before going over to knock on 4A's door. Leonard answered, finger on his lips. Sheldon was out cold on the couch.

"But it's temporary laundry night," Penny whispered teasingly.

"Don't start!" Leonard hissed. "He's been totally loopy all day. One minute he's up scribbling nonsense on _both_ our boards, including a complete diagram of Soul Caliber and how it fits into the Star Wars multiverse, and the next he's eating Honey Puffs for lunch and watching re-runs of _Stargate_. I don't know what's in those pills but so help me God I don't want to wake him up and find out."

"Are you sure you want to listen to him for the next week if he has to do his laundry on a Monday?" she responded, raising a perfect Spock eyebrow. "Damn it!" Leonard cursed quietly. She relented. "Just give me his basket." If anything Leonard's panic grew. "Shut up. If I didn't know how he does it by now I really _would_ be an idiot. Hand it over."

Silently, very much like a spy, Leonard snuck into the Sanctum Sanctorum and emerged with Sheldon's neatly folded dirty clothes. Penny put the hamper on top of her own and adjusted her hip to the increased weight. She'd never get over these tighty-whities. She had half a mind to buy him some Superman boxer briefs just to see the expression on his face. She dumped her own laundry unceremoniously in a free washer and then carefully separated out his whites (organized in a pile to the left) and colors. A precise measure of bleach, a scoop of OxyClean. Distilled vinegar for the colors. For shits and giggles she used her own detergent. She hoped he liked lavender vanilla. With a sigh she settled herself down with a Cosmo, knowing she'd never hear the end of it if vandals absconded with his Flash t-shirt.

It was almost eleven when she crept back in with his basket, hoping he'd discover it in the morning and chalk the whole thing up to sleepwalking. Alas, he was awake. He rubbed his eyes sleepily at her before noticing the clean clothes in her hands. "Oh no… oh no," he said, pressing his hands to his face like that kid in _Home Alone_. "I forgot about your lesson!"

"It's okay, honey. I didn't." She winked at him and put his basket down beside him on the couch. "It's all good. You have a bum wrist. We can try the foldy-thingy when you're better." He picked up a shirt gingerly, inspecting it. "It smells different," he noted. "Smells like you."

"Yeah I kind of forgot your detergent," she fibbed. "Is it going to be an issue?"

"No," he said softly. "It's nice." He ran his fingers over the cloth pensively, and she felt a rush of blood to her cheeks. "Well! I'm beat," she said briskly to cover it, slapping her thighs. "I'm gonna call it a night. Hope you feel better." As she turned out the light in her apartment and crawled into bed, she tried to analyze what she was feeling. Confused, maybe. A little touched. _Going insane?_

A rainstorm started up, pounding against her windows, and she closed her eyes against the backdrop of white noise. She was halfway to a weird dream when she felt something crawling into bed with her. She screamed and thrashed and felt her foot connect with something warm and solid. Something that said, "Ow!"

"Oh shit! Sweetie, are you okay? You scared the bejesus out of me!" Dr. Cooper sat up in her bed, rubbing his thigh. She felt a brief urge to look for the paper towels. "What are you doing here, Shelly?"

He peeked at her through his long eyelashes. Men shouldn't get to have eyelashes like that. "Leonard went out," he said sheepishly. "I…"

"Got a little lonely, huh?" Her mouth twisted up as she tried to stifle a grin. "You know," she said conspiratorially, "I hate thunder. I'm glad you're here."

"Yeah?" he said hopefully.

"Totally. Come get under the covers where it's safe."


	4. Chapter 4

****Just a few more to go! This one gets a little heavy, so buckle up.****

Commotion in the hall woke her. Mary Cooper's voice was designed for calling cattle home. "Where's my baby?" she demanded stridently, and Leonard's timid tones were no match. Penny swallowed a lump of terror and peeked out the door. "Hey, Mrs. Cooper," she ventured.

"Oh my goodness, Penny! Have you seen my Shelly? He ain't in his bed and I'm about to go spare…"

"Yeah, he's with me. I'll… get him up. Hang on a sec?" Sheldon, no stranger to the call of the matriarch, was already trudging to the door and rubbing his eyes blearily. "Mama?" he said, yawning.

The look Mary was giving her was absolutely terrifying. Penny stifled a near compulsion to beg for mercy. "Shelly Bean," Mrs. Cooper began warningly. "Why on earth are you over there? Shouldn't you be in your bed?"

"There was a thunderstorm, Mama. Penny got scared," Sheldon said simply. Mary ran her eyes down his form. Train pajamas, innocent sleepy face. She relaxed, and Penny nearly peed herself in relief. "Is that so?" she replied, still a bit suspicious.

"I hate thunder," Penny offered humbly, and that seemed to settle the matter. Mary crossed the hall and took her son's face in her hands. "Lemme look at you. Goodness, sugar, you look like you got run under a plow." Sheldon struggled, batting at her hands.

"I'm fine, Mama. Dr. Stephanie saw me and I'm fine." Mary tsked and ran her hands down his lanky body. "What's this?" she demanded, instantly back on alert. Penny left him to explain his support garments and snuck back into her room. She wasn't about to mention their morning.

Waking up with Dr. Cooper wrapped around her body, warm and languid, smelling like a mixture of man and fabric softener, face in her hair. The feeling of his breath against her neck raising goosebumps on her arms. Another part of him obviously awake and hard against the cotton of her shorts.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Mama Sheldon stayed for two days, and Penny spent her time schmoozing with customers and dragging herself to auditions. After a solid two years of gaming and comic book nights with the boys, a new territory had opened up to her. It'd really hit home the night she stayed over and watched Leonard and Howard playing _Mass Effect_. It was a good story, and the voice-acting was stellar. Penny was absorbed. She even wrested the controls from Leonard's hands at one point, oblivious to male stares as she gleefully ripped through Geth to save colonists and defeat evil scientists. She'd immediately tossed the submachine gun back into inventory. Penny was a heavy pistol girl all the way.

Anyways, when she saw an ad for a startup game company looking for voice actors, she jumped on it. Weirdly, she found herself able to be much more expressive and animated when people weren't immediately judging her for her looks. After tonight she thought she might be in the running. Maybe not a big part, maybe something on the sidelines, and the paycheck certainly wouldn't cover anything extravagant… but it was a foot in the door. If there was anything she knew after all this time, it was that the game community took care of its own. If she could make it here, she might have a line in.

Feeling tired but cheerful, she washed and changed and headed over for _Halo_ night. She thought about telling everybody what she'd done, but it felt too precarious. What if she wasn't good enough? What if she didn't make it? Her own private disappointment would be one thing, but seeing their faces settle into that reinforced pattern of judgment would be too much. Nope, this was her secret, for now. She answered the chorus of hellos sweetly, settling into what was fast becoming "her spot" next to Sheldon. Raj leaned over to commune with Howard briefly. "Raj calls Penny," Howard translated.

"That's not fair!" Sheldon whined. "I want Penny!" Howard shrugged. "Dibs, dude. Raj called it first."

Penny grinned to diffuse the situation. "That's great, sweetie," she said to Raj, who blushed bashfully. "After we kick their asses, we can switch it up." Sheldon groused to the universe at large. Penny reached for a slice of pizza, but let it fall back into the box with a hiss.

"Uh-oh. Too hot?" asked Leonard, concerned. "No," she said, grimacing ruefully. "Just a little twitch. I'm a spaz tonight."

"Let me see," Sheldon interjected. He took her hand, and the room went quiet. He rotated her wrist carefully, pressing his fingers into the muscles at the underside of her arm and observing the responses with laser-like precision. His fingers were cool and they felt good on her skin. "Tendonitis," he proclaimed clinically. "Typically the result of multiple repetitive motion injuries. You should put some ice on it immediately." Leonard, knowing his cue, went to retrieve a cold pack from the freezer. He offered it to Penny with a sympathetic look, but Sheldon reached out and took it with his free hand. He wrapped it tightly around her wrist and secured it with the velcro straps attached to the cover. "My condolences, Rajesh," he said as he did it. "Penny is out of the running." She opened her mouth to protest, but the words died on her lips. Whatever this weird gentleness was from him, she didn't want to break it.

Raj and Howard knelt by the TV to set up the game and the controls. Soon the sounds of the _Halo_ theme and trash talk filled the room. Sheldon still hadn't let go of her hand. He'd turned it over so that her palm faced the ceiling, looking at it like a math problem. He traced the lines there with the tip of his finger, contemplative. His long, muscular hands made her feel fragile. "That's my life line," she offered, for something to say.

"What?" he said, startled. He pulled away a couple of inches. "Here," she said, touching her own palm. "My life line. And this one is my head line. Up there is my heart line, and this one that crosses them, that's my fate."

"You are referring to the occult practice of palm reading," he stated dismissively. "Hokum." She shook her head, but her expression was still warm. "Maybe," she laughed.

"There is no 'maybe' about it, Penny. The practice of palm-reading is based in myth and sentiment and has no scientific merit whatsoever."

"It's a kind of science," she argued. He was prepared to retort, but she interrupted, shaking her head again. "Okay, I know it's not like the science you do. But a long time ago, people didn't have the instruments and the innovations that you do now. They had to figure out how things worked by using their own eyes and their own… intuitions. Palm-reading, astrology, humors, chakras… those are all different ways that people in ancient times tried to make sense of the world around them. Just because they didn't use the scientific method or write their experiments down in a way you approve of, doesn't make their attempts any less… admirable." She was getting worked up, desperate to articulate herself to him in a way he could respect. "Maybe this stuff seems silly nowadays, but you have a lot of advantages you don't ever admit you have. You look down on things like this but you stand on their shoulders too. Without people thinking and wondering about the universe in the past, you wouldn't be where you are today. And who's to say in 200 years someone won't look at your work and pick it apart and call it hokum?" She was very conscious of the fact that he had turned his intense blue eyes on her face, staring at her like he could see the atoms that made up her skin.

"An interesting perspective," he said slowly, and it was clear she had his full attention. "But that still doesn't explain why you cling to these 'ancient sciences' when you live in a post-Enlightenment society."

She pulled her hand out of his lap and hunched her shoulders defensively. "Maybe I like the fact that scientists in the old days were interested in people and not things. Maybe I like the idea that the lines in my hand have something to do with who I am, or the way the stars move affects the way I live my life. It's… grounding. It's warm. Looking at the universe through a lens or an equation and pretending it doesn't directly affect you is cold and it seems kind of close-minded. I'd rather believe that I don't know everything, but that I'm still plugged in to the big machine. That if I look hard enough at the world I'll see it looking back someday." She trailed off, feeling exposed. In the corner, Raj was sniffling furtively.

Sheldon considered her for a long moment. "I sense that this conversation has become personal, and I wish to correct some misconceptions. While I find much of what you just said sentimental and dull, I cannot fault the philosophy behind it. I can't, because I am… also guilty of seeking meaning. Apart from scientific observation, I find the universe beautiful, and want to know my place in it. That is what drew me to my particular calling." He paused, blinking. "I resent the implication that I am cold or close-minded because I am precise."

"Well,_ I _resent the implication that I am stupid because I don't agree with you!" she shot back. His hand crept up to his chest to press against his heart. "I have _never_ called you stupid," he hissed.

"_You don't have to_!" she cried. "It's implied. Implicit. Implicated." Howard was goggling at her. "Fuck you, Wolowitz, I passed high school with a 3.2 GPA. I got an A- in honors English. Just because I don't wave it around doesn't mean I don't know what 'implied' means. And Sheldon! You constantly act like you have the right to tell me I don't know what I'm talking about, when half the time you're not even listening. And you know why you're not, _Dr. Cooper_? Because you've already decided I don't have anything meaningful to say. You may be the super-brain, but I can read you just fine." She stood shakily, ripping the ice-pack from her wrist and dropping it on the couch. "Thanks for the pizza. I'm going to bed."

Sheldon stared at the door she had just slammed behind her, like it was going to come over and bite him. Raj wiped his eyes on his sleeve. "Dude. That was simultaneously the scariest and the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Penny is the anti-Nietzche."

"She passed high-school English?" Howard sputtered. "With an A?"

"_That's_ what you took from this?" Leonard yelped in disbelief. "Penny makes us all look like idiots, and you're worried about her _grades_?"

No one noticed Sheldon quietly retreat to his room.


	5. Chapter 5

****I know this is a short one, but that's where the story naturally breaks. Don't worry, the next (and final!) chapter will make up for it.****

He lay on his bed and blinked angrily at the ceiling. What right did she have to talk to him like that? What right did anyone have? He'd given her too much leeway and not enough boundaries. He fed her. He loaned her money. He gave her his wi-fi password. He leveled up her characters. He tolerated her touching, her hugging, her lack of regard for the cleanliness of his apartment. He saved her from thunderstorms. He picked her up out of the shower and dressed her and drove her to the hospital and sang Soft Kitty to her. He _hated_ the hospital. He even went to court for her! What had she ever done for him, besides help him up the stairs? He wanted to wrap himself in his indignation. The whole thing was completely unfair.

Except… she _did _help him up the stairs. And then she kissed it better.

And she had helped him in the shower even though she didn't want to and Leonard could have done it. She washed his hair and dressed him. She drove him to the comic book store when Leonard was out. She cooked him spaghetti with cut up hot dogs.

She thought of him while she was working, enough to bring him a napkin from his hero. She stalked Stan Lee for him. She made sure his food was perfect. She forgave him when he was an ass. She shot Leslie Winkle with paintballs for him, and stayed home from work when he was sick even though she couldn't afford it, and she sang to him and brought him soup and rubbed his medicine on him and fought Leonard for him and defended him against internet thieves and called Dr. Stephanie and let him sleep in her bed even though he knew she really didn't give a shit about thunder and actually it was him who hated it.

When his chips were down, she never left his side.

He knew that if he needed it, she'd give him the shirt off her back and the last dime in her bank account. Could she say the same of him? He didn't think so. He was beginning to understand that the balance between them was uneven, but not in the direction he'd thought it was.

He would never admit it, but he'd thought her simple in the beginning. He'd dismissed her as pretty, fluffy, personable but ultimately one-dimensional. Over time he'd reassessed, but that old prejudice had remained, coloring their interactions and tainting him with what he now knew was a false sense of superiority. At the end of the world it was the Pennys who would save humanity, not the Sheldons. She had more grit than he'd ever been willing to recognize.

He got out of bed and he straightened his clothes. Coopers knew right from wrong, and he was not the least of his line.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

She had a fifth of Stoli getting oozy in the freezer, but she knew it wouldn't help. This wasn't a bad breakup. This kind of pain was something only time and ingenuity could heal.

She wasn't completely sure why she'd picked tonight to air her grievances. It was very bad timing. Then again, bad timing was kind of her thing.

She picked up a tub of Cherry Garcia and put it down again, nauseated. Tonight was an antihistamine night, a night to fall into a drugged, dreamless sleep and put off the inevitable. She left her shirt on (it had a marinara stain but she honestly didn't care at this point) and sluggishly replaced her pants with shorts. She turned on the TV and flipped mindlessly through the channels, more soothed by the blips in the screen than by anything that was showing. It was nice to be able to pay her cable bill. She supposed she had a certain whack-job to thank for that. Balls.

Tap, tap, tap.

_(Penny)_

Tap, tap, tap.

_(Penny, please)_

Tap, tap, tap.

_(Please.)_

She didn't want to answer. Maybe if she sat here with the TV on and pretended she couldn't hear him, he'd go away. But the shadow of his feet lingered under the door and she understood that he wouldn't. Not tonight. He might fall asleep against her door but he wasn't leaving. She opened the door and waited for him to speak.

"Penny."

She didn't help him, but she didn't make it harder for him either. Despite everything, she wished him well. So she schooled her face into a neutral expression and let him work out whatever the fuck he wanted to say.

"I don't think you're stupid, Penny," he hedged. She deflated.

"Thanks, sweetie," she said. He could see her giving up, retreating into herself, and he pushed his own soul out to catch her, desperate. "No!" he growled out. "I'm not… done. I'm not done yet. _Please _listen." Had he caught her before the walls went up? He couldn't tell, but she was still watching him, and the door was still open.

"I _did_ think it, when I first met you," he said, his voice low and hurried. "I saw you and I judged. Because of the way you looked, the way you talked, the way you were dressed. I made a biased judgment. I'm not as good a scientist as I thought I was, Penny. I didn't really look, or I would have seen the truth." He sucked in a breath. "The truth is that you're clever, you're kind, and you're loyal. You have an ability to see into the human mind that no one I've ever known can match. The way you love people, even people who… don't deserve it, that's brave. Braver than I've ever been in my whole life. I don't want to lose that, Penny. I don't want to lose your love because of my own willful ignorance, even if that makes me selfish, even if that makes me weak in your eyes. I'll take you any way I get you. I'll never speak again, if it means you won't give up on me." To his surprise he felt tears on his cheeks. It didn't matter. What mattered was whether or not she would slam the door in his face.

She took his chin in her hand and turned his face until their eyes were deadlocked. The midnight scruff on his jaw shot sparks down her arm. "_Do you mean it_?" she demanded fiercely. He nodded urgently, but not enough to dislodge her fingers. Energy passed between them, painful and sweet. He waited for her answer. He'd wait forever.

She pulled his face down to hers, and kissed him.


	6. Chapter 6

****Alex Trebek: "This strong-scented fruit was once used on long sea voyages to prevent scurvy."**

**Sheldon: "What is a lemon?" **

**(There's your clue.)**

**(P.S. I took some rawther large liberties with game timelines and casting. You know who to blame.)****

Sheldon wasn't an experienced kisser, but he made up for it with enthusiasm. There was something mind-blowing about being shoved up against the door by a six-foot hypochondriac who sucked your bottom lip between his teeth like it was the finest food on earth. He tasted like toothpaste and tomato sauce and something layered underneath, something like musk or copper or pure need. She threaded her fingers through his hair and he pressed the wide span of his hand against her breast. His thumb brushed her nipple through her shirt and she jerked against him, suddenly aware of his lean hard body and all its responses. He gasped and leaned his forehead against her hair. "Wow," she said, shuddering. "Are you…?"

"I'm fine," he muttered, still breathing hard. She dredged something up from memory and grinned.

"Fine has variable meanings. Fine is unacceptable," she teased. He groaned. "_Penny_." She let her hands fall to his arms, rubbing his biceps in soothing circles. "I can feel your heart through your clothes," she murmured.

"Penny," he ground out. "Unless you want me to come in my pants, we'd better say goodnight." She hesitated for a split second. _Would that be so bad_? She gently pushed him off her and straightened his shirt. "Goodnight, then," she said with a little smile.

"We should talk about this. Later. When we're both… when we…"

"Yeah. Tomorrow." Unable to resist, she raised up on her tiptoes and kissed his scruffy cheek. "Sleep tight," she whispered, and left him in the hall, looking shell-shocked.

Shel-shocked. She laughed hysterically and buried her face in the pillows before switching out the lamp.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Penny danced around her apartment in her underwear, giddy and breathless. Tonight was Souplantation night, tonight was big-tipper night, and tonight was call-back night. And she had gotten the part.

She'd gotten the part. She did it. She really got it. Yes! She turned the dial up on the CD player and spun around in circles.

_Knock, knock, knock. _(Who do we love?)

"Penny! What kind of soup do you want?" Sweet Leonard. "I want gumbo!" she trilled, accidentally knocking a She-Ra figurine off her coffee table.

"Good Lord. What is she doing in there? Penny! Are you trying to clean?" She threw open the door, forgetting she was in her bra and panties. The boys gaped at her as she giggled madly. "Have you ingested an illegal substance?" Sheldon demanded. "Did you drink a strange blue drink?"

"Noooo…." she sang. "I got a part!"

"While that is very nice, it is hardly a reason to gallivant about half-clothed. Please cover yourself while I make you a glass of milk." Too happy to argue, she pulled a kimono off the coat-rack and wriggled into it.

"What part did you get?" Leonard asked politely, trying to hide his blush.

"I'm gonna be Anne-Claire!" They looked at her blankly. "You know, from Hothead Games?" Recognition dawned.

"You mean, Anne-Claire from _Rainslick Precipice of Darkness_? _Penny Arcade_'s Anne-Claire?" Leonard asked slowly. She grinned widely. "They _did_ say they liked my name!"

"Holy shit! How did you even… you're going to be in a video game! A _really cool _video game!" Leonard grabbed her and swung her around and she was flying. "Leonard!" Sheldon spluttered. "Unhand her at once!" Released, Penny fell back and sank into the couch, utterly tired and content. Sheldon sat beside her and put his hand on her shoulder. "You should be very proud," he said in a warmer tone, so she snuggled up against him and beamed.

"Now then," he continued. "Tell Leonard what you want to drink so he can order."

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Raj and Howard smiled blandly at the news and waited for the bazinga. When it didn't come, Howard turned his head slowly towards Penny. "_Mon ange_," he growled, shooting creepy fire at her from his eyes. She scooted closer to Sheldon, wrapping her arms protectively around her chest. "Howard, if you come near me like that I swear to God I will hang you from the ceiling by your balls!"

"You would need a sturdy hook," Sheldon commented. "I believe I have one in my emergency supply closet." Howard paled.

Raj texted Leonard, who was out picking up soup. _Bring champagne_, he typed.

"Why do you have a hook in your supply closet?" Penny asked, curiosity getting the better of her.

"You never know when you might need to hang a chauvinist from the ceiling," he replied reasonably.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Happy Penny was sunlight on a train window. Happy Penny on champagne? A solar flare without X-ray film. Sheldon wondered if it would burn to touch her. He brushed a lock of hair out of her eyes. Oh yes. It burned.

He twirled his little half-glass of bubbles and pulled up the memory of kissing her. Of the shower after he came home, how he'd had to lean his hands against the tile to support his weight as he climaxed, thinking of her. How her lip had felt between his teeth and how he'd never hated Listerine until he'd used it to wash the taste of her out of his mouth. He couldn't get that back, not unless he returned to the source. He looked now at her peaceful smiling face and noticed the way her eyelashes lay against the fine ridge of her cheekbones and wondered how it would feel to crawl inside her and let her inner joy flash him into steam.

_Aren't you afraid of germs_? Leonard had asked him yesterday, after seeing him hold her hand. What a stupid question that was. Penny's germs wouldn't hurt him. They knew him by now.

The guys were playing _Braid_ and jostling each other, drinking and laughing on the floor. Sheldon turned his head and met her eyes. She smiled at him and threaded their fingers together and he didn't know where her hand ended and his began. "All this champagne makes me sleepy," she said in a normal voice, loud enough for the room to hear but not too loud. "Dr. Cooper, will you walk me home?" He stood, still holding her hand, and led her to the door.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

For a minute after they shut her door behind them, they just stood and leaned against each other. Everything was happening quickly now, coming in bursts, little touches over the clothes sparking currents that branched out wildly through their nerve endings. He wanted to kiss her and he didn't want to kiss her. Maybe if he focused hard enough he could stop time, and just stand here on the edge with her forever. She slipped a hand under his thermal to touch his stomach, and he sprang to life, getting a grip on the hem of her t-shirt and pulling it over her head. She lifted her arms to accommodate him. She was still wearing the bra from earlier and he traced the edges of it with one long finger.

"I like this garment," he said huskily. "I decided that earlier, when you opened the door and I wanted to swallow you whole." She shivered under his touch, and reached for his shirts again, but her hands were shaking so he peeled them off himself and tossed them over the back of a chair. He bent down and covered her mouth with his own, wanting to recapture her flavor. She tasted like champagne and file gumbo and strawberry chapstick and _hmm…_ she was doing something with her hands that was very new. With a faint groan, he decided he would let her have her way. Science was about observation… and he was a scientist… oh god _damn_ that felt good.

"Am I your first?" she whispered, but there wasn't judgment there. Just a question. He pressed his face into the curve of her neck and inhaled. "First one that mattered," he responded quietly, and felt her cheek brush his hair as she nodded. "Let's make it count," she said. He grabbed a handful of her rounded hips and pulled her into him so she could feel her own handiwork. He nibbled along her clavicles and felt her spine arch. The DVD player read 11:00 PM. "Time for bed," he said, and led the way.

The light of the city filtered in through her window and they finished undressing in the dim glow. She opened a drawer to take out a condom but he closed it. He knew she took her contraceptive every day at lunch. He knew when she bought her hygiene products, when she felt bad, when she felt good, when she needed to be loved. It was all on his schedule, incorporated in his routine while he wasn't paying attention. Now she was looking up at him with a question in her eyes, so he answered. "I trust you," he said. "Do you trust me?" Her eyes glimmered strangely as she nodded. He swallowed his emotion and took her hand as they sank down together on the bed.

As worked up as he was, he knew he wouldn't last, so he used his hands on her. He put his mouth to her breast and found it deeply satisfying. Vibrations came up through her chest cavity to his lips as she moaned beneath him. She was speaking in his ear, panting sweet filthy words that made his heart race. He felt impelled to respond. "The nice thing about an eidetic memory," he whispered, rolling his tongue against her earlobe, "is that I will remember this moment with perfect clarity for the rest of my life." As he spoke she shook beneath his hand and cried out, one hoarse beautiful note. He felt her tighten and go limp in his arms. He slid his palm under her knee and lifted it to his hip, lined his body up with hers and thrust into her with a sigh.

She was heaven, and warm blankets in a storm, and hot tea for sadness, and planets through a telescope. He moved in her and she wrapped her long silky legs around him and he let his mind fizzle out to make room for this vast sensation. He came with her name on his lips - too quickly, not ready to be drawn back to reality - but it didn't really matter. He knew they would try again, each time getting closer to perfect, like a tangent to an arcing curve.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"They've been in there for two hours," said Howard. "If it weren't Sheldon I'd swear they were fucking." Leonard looked appropriately horrified, but Raj shrugged.

"They totally are, dude."

"_Seriously?_" Leonard squeaked. "You really think…?"

"He's been holding her hand for a week. What the hell do you think they're doing?" the astrophysicist said reasonably.

Leonard looked skeptical. "Yeah, but you don't go from hand-holding to screwing. Especially not… him."

"Leonard, you are my buddy. I think you are a smart person. So you will understand me when I say that getting Sheldon Cooper to hold your hand is probably a lot harder than actually screwing him."

"Very funny, Raj. I'll believe it when I see it."

Howard's eyes gleamed. "In that case, I'll prep the hidden cameras."

THE END

****Thank you all again for your words and kindness. You make me want to be a better writer.****


	7. Epilogue

_Two weeks later, Sheldon handed Penny a sheaf of paper in a manila folder, along with an ink pen. She settled down on her couch to read it, her eyebrow rising steadily as she flipped through the pages._

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

**Relationship Agreement**

**THIS AGREEMENT**, effective this _ day of _, 20_, by and between Sheldon Lee Cooper, B.S., M.S., M.A., Ph.D, Sc.D and Penelope Marie Lane (hereafter referred to as "Sheldon" and "Penny"), two mutually consenting adults of sound mind and body as recognized by the State of California.

**WITNESSETH:**

THAT WHEREAS, Sheldon, being desirous of an exclusive romantic relationship with Penny and having completed all socially obligatory motions to obtain thus,

WHEREAS, Penny, understanding said motions and having reciprocated said desires, and having provided Sheldon with all socially obligatory responses,

NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the premises and of the mutual covenants herein contained, and other good and valuable consideration, the parties do hereby covenant and agree as follows:

**TERM OF AGREEMENT**

The term of this Employment Agreement shall be for a period of one (1) year starting _, and shall automatically renew annually thereafter for succeeding one year terms under the Terms and Conditions of this Relationship Agreement unless one of the parties decides to terminate the Agreement in writing.

In the event that either party wishes to re-negotiate this Agreement, the proposal changes need to be presented in writing to the other party at least ninety (90) days before the end of the current contract year. Following the presentation of the proposed changes, the two parties have one month to re-negotiate the contract to mutual satisfaction. If unable to do so, the Agreement will terminate automatically on midnight, the last day of the current contract year.

**PENNY'S RESPONSIBILITIES**

1. Penny will provide transportation for Sheldon to and from the premises of Comic Book Night, Date Night, and Anything Can Happen Thursday unless ill or otherwise indisposed or unless notice of unavailability has been provided to Sheldon in writing at least seven (7) days prior to the date of unavailability.

2. Penny agrees to abide by the weekly schedule of activities and dining experiences outlined in addendum A, but may choose one (1) night per week to abstain from aforesaid. In the event that certain activities or dining experiences become unavailable or prohibitively difficult, Penny may suggest three (3) alternatives, of which Sheldon may veto two (2).

3. Penny will refrain from referring to Sheldon by the moniker "Moonpie" as the use of this moniker has been deemed exclusive to MeeMaw. Failure to abide by this stipulation may result in punitive measures, including but not limited to: remedial classes, confiscation of frivolous female-centric DVD's, tickling.

4. Thursday of each week will be herein deemed "Date Night" and will consist of romantic activities and dining experiences between Sheldon and Penny. Sheldon may offer three (3) options for Date Night activities and dining experiences, of which Penny may veto two (2).

5. As per Addendum A of this agreement, Wednesday being Halo Night, Penny agrees to be Sheldon's Halo Partner and will strenuously reject and refuse all pleas by other parties to the contrary.

6. Penny will love and make love to (the phrase "make love" to include all sexual activities, including but not limited to kissing, fondling, rubbing, touching, hugging, and coitus) Sheldon exclusively, and will strenuously reject and refuse all pleas by other parties to the contrary.

7. Penny will inform Sheldon promptly if she is feeling sad, dissatisfied, angry, irritated, gloomy, lonely, sexually frustrated, or other negative emotions, in as rational a manner as she is capable, and herein agrees to make all reasonable efforts to resolve Relationship Difficulties within a timely manner, preferably before bedtime of the day said negative emotions occur (bedtime being 11 PM as outlined in Addendum C of this Agreement).

8. Penny agrees to listen to any similar grievances on the part of Sheldon and accept all overtures towards reconciliation that result.

9. Penny will assuage any physical injuries incurred by Sheldon via the "kiss it better" method outlined in Addendum C.

10. Penny will stop hugging Raj so much because it is unhygienic and furthermore it is very rude.

**SHELDON'S RESPONSIBILITIES**

1. Sheldon will provide for quarterly maintenance of Penny's vehicle in return for transportation services.

2. Sheldon agrees to abide by the weekly schedule of events and dining experiences outlined in Addendum A and also agrees to respect Penny's weekly exceptions with a minimal amount of argument.

3. Sheldon will refrain from statements that insult or belittle Penny and will make immediate amends should any statement on his part accidentally offend. Failure to abide by this stipulation may result in punitive measures, including but not limited to: remedial classes, confiscation of Star Trek DVD's. NO tickling.

4. As per addendum A of this agreement, Wednesday being Halo Night, Sheldon agrees to be Penny's Halo Partner and will strenuously reject and refuse all pleas by other parties to the contrary.

5. Sheldon will love and make love to (the phrase "make love" to include all sexual activities, including but not limited to kissing, fondling, rubbing, touching, hugging, and coitus) Penny exclusively, and will strenuously reject and refuse all pleas by other parties to the contrary.

6. Sheldon will inform Penny promptly if he is feeling sad, dissatisfied, angry, irritated, gloomy, lonely, sexually frustrated, or other negative emotions, in as rational a manner as he is capable, and herein agrees to make all reasonable efforts to resolve Relationship Difficulties within a timely manner, preferably before bedtime of the day said negative emotions occur (bedtime being 11 PM as outlined in Addendum C of this Agreement).

7. Sheldon agrees to listen to any similar grievances on the part of Penny and accept all overtures towards reconciliation that result.

8. Sheldon agrees not to hug anybody but Penny and close family members when necessary.

**ARBITRATION** - Any dispute between the parties shall be referred to Committee, said Committee consisting of Rajesh Koothrappali, Howard Wolowitz, and Leonard Hofstadter, each member of the Committee receiving one vote. Penny may not use feminine wiles or threats of physical violence to influence the outcome of the Committee Vote.

**ENTIRE AGREEMENT** - This Agreement (including any exhibits or schedules attached hereto) contains the entire agreement between the parties concerning the subject matter contained herein and there are no other terms, covenants, obligations, or representations, oral or written, of any kind whatsoever. Any modification, addition or alteration of this Agreement must be in writing and signed by both parties.

**IN WITNESS WHEREOF**, the parties have hereunto set their hands and seals the day and year first before written.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

_Tapping the pen against her cheek thoughtfully, Penny spread the papers out over her coffee table and went to work. She slashed through an alarming number of lines, then yanked a piece of notebook paper out of her set bag and began to write.  
_

**Relationship Agreement Between Penny and Sheldon**

1) Penny will drive Sheldon around when she damn well feels like it. Penny is more likely to drive Sheldon if he asks nicely and says please. Penny will let Sheldon fix her car if he will stop talking so much about the check engine light. Penny will repay Sheldon with kisses and Italian dinners.

2) Penny will try to stick to Sheldon's schedule and she will tell Sheldon if she does not feel like it. Sheldon can argue but Penny will probably not listen.

3) If Sheldon is being a jerk Penny will call him MoonPie and if he does not like it Penny suggests he call his MeeMaw and talk to her about it.

4) Penny agrees to Date Night and all of Sheldon's stipulations therein, and furthermore wishes to say that she thinks that idea is very sweet.

5) Penny will be Sheldon's Halo Partner unless Sheldon is being a jerk and then Penny will play with Raj.

6) Penny will only ever love and have sex with Sheldon and Sheldon will only ever love and have sex with Penny as long as they are together. Penny will hug whoever she damn well pleases, especially Raj because he is cute and that boy needs some affection in his life, but that doesn't mean Penny loves Raj because Penny only loves Sheldon.

7) Sometimes Penny will be a jerk and sometimes Sheldon will be a jerk but that is okay because Penny and Sheldon are human beings who make mistakes. Penny will tell Sheldon when she is upset and vice versa, and they will make up, except if Sheldon is extra rude and then Sheldon should probably buy Penny some flowers. Smooches optional but strongly recommended.

8) There will be no Committee. Penny thinks this is a stupid idea so Penny and Sheldon will not be doing that.

9) Penny will not bother Sheldon while he is working, and in return Penny can smooch Sheldon whenever she pleases and they will snuggle at bed time. Penny will always take care of Sheldon and kiss him better and Sheldon will always take care of Penny and hug her when she is sad.

10) Anything else we'll make up as we go. Love you! - Penny Lane

_She signed the amended agreement with a flourish, and slid it under the door of 4A with a wicked smile._

**_THE REAL END (THANKS AGAIN EVERYBODY!)_**


End file.
